54. PuPu
He’s just a little guy! He’s lost and afraid! What kind of monster would hurt him?!
53. UFO?
We’ve already established that PuPu can do nothing bad. He’s a big ol’ softie, but here he gets bonus points for having a vehicle that, if misused, could do harm.
52. Fake President
This is what I imagine it would be like to have a fistfight a drunk Ronald Reagan.
51. Raldo
Big armadillos who depend on Granaldo to do any real damage. They’re more like a living weapon than someone capable of doing real harm on their own.
50. NORG Pod
You know how to defeat the NORG Pod? Walk behind it. Easy. It’s only dangerous if you’re standing at a 90-degree angle directly in its line of sight.
49. BGH251F2 (damaged)
About as dangerous as a Tesla that spontaneously burst into flames.
48. Tonberry King
Unrelentingly dedicated to avenging his own people. But if you leave him alone, he will leave you alone. In fact, I bet if you befriend the Tonberries, he would invite you over to his castle and you could hang out and watch his DVD collection.
47. Oilboyle
They cover you in oil and suck on you. It’s probably really, really unpleasant, but if my life’s on the line, I’ll take a chance with these overgrown sea slugs.
46. NORG
He spends the whole battle hiding. He gets a slight edge above the NORG Pod because he can actually cast magic, but he’s not shit without his giant robotic shield bubble. Cowardly, unlikely to fuck you up IRL.
45. Droma
Deeply nonthreatening. Its parent, Trauma, will steal life from them to heal himself. They’re basically just a living blood bank for a boss that, as we’ll see, isn’t that intimidating to begin with.
44. Biggs and Wedge (second battle)
God’s least competent warriors at their least competent. By this point, you already know that they’re absolute jokes. They don’t even have the element of surprise, which is the only element they were good at because their magic attacks are so weak.
43. Raijin
Just a guy. He actually seems pretty happy to see you too. He’s slightly less threatening than an average high school bully.
42. Seifer (third battle)
Truly depressing. Seifer just got his ass kicked by you a couple minutes ago, and now you’re going to kick his ass again in front of his mom. The lowest point, psychologically, for a guy who keeps finding new ways to lose dignity. You’ll be fine.
41. Biggs and Wedge (first battle)
At least when you first meet Biggs and Wedge, there’s a chance it’s a little scary to come face-to-face with two Galbadian soldiers standing between you and your objective. Any intimidation factor on their side is lost when they get literally blown away by Elvoret.
40. Granaldo
It might look like a giant wasp, but it’s learned how to use simple tools as weapons, ie., hurling Raldo at you. That indicates a level of intelligence that they’re using exclusively to fuck you up. Chilling.
39. Seifer (second battle)
Seifer has gone full sub by the second fight. He is a pathetic figure who is nothing without his sorceress, whichever one he decides to glom onto at that time. He is no longer threatening.
38. Raijin and Fujin (first battle)
I like to think we could’ve been friends if they weren’t on the wrong side of history.
37. Trauma
I wanted to rank this guy higher because his name is “Trauma” and that can ACTUALLY fuck you up IRL, but you know what his real deal is? He’s a clay statue. His Japanese name is “Clay Lord.” Not the embodiment of actual trauma I thought he was supposed to be. A living clay statue could still probably fuck you up, but he won’t use his most powerful attack unless his friends are gone. Poor strategy on his part.
36. Krysta
Krysta’s most powerful attacks are counterattacks, meaning that if you leave it be, it’ll be more of a nuisance than an actual threat. Easy to not get fucked up too badly by.
35. Sacred
The Minotaur is one of the most famously unfuckwithable monsters in mythology. There’s a reason Minotaurs are sealed in mazes: if left to their own devices, they WILL eat you. However, Sacred is, in the words of Zell, “a major idiot.” Once you get over the “Minotaur with a mace” thing, he’s not so scary.
34. Tri-Point
He tells you how to beat him. I don’t think he understands how to fight.
33. Raijin and Fujin (second battle)
Pretty much the same as before, but they’re further off the deep end now. You don’t want to mess with someone who is so committed to their cause that they keep fighting for it even when they know it will result in the end of the world.
32. Gerogero
His claws seem scary, but look at him, his internal organs are exposed. One good hit and he’s dead. And look how unevenly his weight is distributed. He’s more likely to fall over than stab you.
31. Sphinxaur
Another boss like Oilboyle that would mostly be annoying. Though it can control the elements (getting struck by lightning would SUCK), its secret attack during its powerful second phase is basically just to make you sleepy. It needs backup to do any real damage.
30. Gargantua
Sure he’s gigantic and has a skull for a head, but he looks kinda scared. He probably just wants to ask if you’ve got games on your phone.
29. Diablos
Even though he looks like the devil and is named like the devil, Diablos’s main attack is gravity. I don’t know what that would feel like, but I imagine it’s like sleeping under way, way too many weighted blankets.
28. Seifer (first battle)
When Seifer last faced off against Squall before this battle. he slashed Squall’s face and gave him a huge, gnarly scar. He’s ready for a rematch and eager to draw blood. There are few things more threatening than a teenager with a grudge and a chance to act on it.
27. Minotaur
Though he may be tiny, there’s a reason Sacred summons him to fight you. He’s got that big bro energy where he’ll fight anyone who picks on his little bro, which you don’t want to mess with.
26. Jumbo Cactuar
If this elder Cactuar falls on you, you’re toast. He moves so erratically that there’s no way to judge what he’s about to do, which makes him a wild card. Points off because he’s one of the few bosses who will flee combat if he gets hurt. Not like you’d be able to hurt him.
25. Edea (second battle)
This might seem like a low placement for a powerful, fearsome sorceress who has an instant death spell at her disposal. However, consider how weak she reveals herself to actually be in this battle. The moment Edea gets knocked down, Ultimecia loses her control over her, and she reverts back to her quiet life running an orphanage. She could still definitely kill you, but this fight is one getting-hit-on-the-head-with-a-shovel away from being over in an instant.
24. Ruby Dragon
Points for being a dragon, which is incredibly dangerous. But if you can’t kill Laguna, the world’s most oblivious man, while he thinks he’s acting in a movie like this is a Tropic Thunder scenario? Then you can’t kill anyone.
23. Seifer (fourth battle)
In his final battle, Seifer kills Odin. As one of the few bosses to kill another boss on this list, it only seems fair that he gets significant credit for that. The reason he isn’t higher is that Seifer himself has nothing left in the tank at this point. His closest friends have bailed on him. His sorceress doesn’t need him. He’s only fighting because his ego got bruised. He’s a self-stylized “revolutionary” now with no ethos except being pissy. It almost feels like you could just ignore him instead of fighting him. If the game took place from his perspective it’d be called Final Fuckboy VIII.
22. Ultimecia (Griever form)
This form is deadly, but she looks so uncomfortable. How does she walk? All her proportions are off. She looks like one of those mad scientist characters who infuses themselves with so much power that they become a blobby distended monster that dies instantly. I bet you could defeat her by asking her to stand up and seeing what happens.
21. Ultima Weapon
He might look scary as hell, but if you’re smart, this guy is not hurting you. First off, he’s huge. He walks around on all fours like a predator, but he’s incredibly top-heavy and probably has trouble getting around. The massive sword looks cool, but good luck chasing somebody down with that. And the torso mouth is completely useless. He’d have to bend at such a weird angle to eat something with that. Ultima Weapon could be defeated by a well-reinforced door or a ledge.
20. Omega Weapon
Slightly edges out Ultima Weapon because he doesn’t have that big sword weighing him down.
19. BGH251F2
A deadly robotic tank is not something to mess with. While you can probably deal with its slow-charging Beam Cannon, it also has a bunch of machine gun turrets. It’s basically a firing squad.
18. Edea (first battle)
At the end of this battle, she impales Squall with a giant icicle. Holy shit!!! He gets knocked out for DAYS. One of the few times somebody gets unavoidably fucked up outside of battle. Edea can and will hurt you.
This is the threshold. Everything from this point on can and will fuck you up real bad.
17. Ifrit
He’s the first boss in Final Fantasy VIII and he’s kind of a pushover (he is literally used as a training exercise for children) but don’t let that fool you. If you had a real-life fight against a 12-foot tall demon who could summon fire and jump-slam you, you would be mega dead.
16. Elvoret
The other day, a friend asked a good hypothetical question: How different would society be if we had wild air predators that attacked humans? Like what if pterodactyls were still around? Picture how different our architecture would look, or how many mixed outdoor spaces would have netting to prevent predators from attacking during dinner. This is the world in which Elvoret is real and can just come out of fucking nowhere at any moment.
15. Ultimecia (final form)
Yes, Ultimecia’s final form has the power to destroy the entire universe. But it doesn’t feel like you’re getting “fucked up IRL” so much as being completely erased from history, you know what I mean? Her threats are cosmic. She’s not getting her hands dirty, she’s just un-making you. Nobody is going to look at your dead body and think “Holy shit, they got fucked up!” because there would just be no concept of you, or them, or existing.
14. Bahamut
An erudite dragon that can speak English is extremely bad news, but that’s offset by the fact that he’s one of those dragons that asks you riddles. He mostly seems to want to keep you away from him. Give him a crossword book and he’ll leave you alone.
13. Abadon
Fuuuuuck this. I do NOT want to get stabbed to death by a massive claw-bearing winged skeleton. Like most undead enemies in the Final Fantasy series, you can kill it quickly using a healing item, but come on, how many healing items do you carry with you in real life? What are you gonna do, give it an Advil?
12. Ultimecia (first form)
This Ultimecia—the human—has been pulling the strings the whole time. She has not yet devolved into a chaos energy creature capable of devouring the universe. She’s more dastardly here, manipulating people into achieving her will without even having to attack them (which she eventually does). She could kill you and you wouldn’t even know it was her.
11. Red Giant
There are a lot of huge bosses on here who I think would be hindered by their mobility. Red Giant is not one of them. His Gigantic Sword attack makes a large swiping motion that is impossible to dodge. With his huge reach and his huge weapon, you WILL get cut.
10. Catoblepas
You are lunch.
9. Odin
“Guy on horseback with a sword” is a famous category of historical dudes who will murder you. I would absolutely get fucked up by even a normal knight, let alone Odin, who has supernatural powers. Fuck.
8. Mobile Type 8
Mobile Type 8 has one of those attacks that reduces your health to 1. Even if it doesn’t manage to kill you, the real-life version of getting your health reduced to 1 by a beam of light would send you to the hospital for months.
7. X-ATM092
Unless you’re Quistis with a minigun, do not fuck with this thing. Our heroes fought through an entire city and killed a flying monster, and their only response to this thing showing up was to RUN. Highly mobile and incredibly determined. It will not stop until it kills you and everyone you love.
6. Cerberus
I don’t want to fight one dog. I don’t want to fight THREE dogs. I don’t want to fight THREE GIANT DOGS. Realistically a fight with Cerberus would go like this:
5. Tiamat
Tiamat is everything Bahamut is, but without the class or dignity. Bahamut wants to engage in a battle of the wits. Tiamat wants to tear your limbs off.
4. Propagator
The Propagators are basically the alien from Alien, with the added threat that they’re pair-bonded and can resurrect each other if you’re not paying attention. Let’s assume you’re better, smarter, and stronger than the crew of the Ragnarok who were murdered by these guys. Do you think you can defeat even ONE Propagator in the dark corridors of the ship, let alone a second one? Let alone EIGHT? You’re hosed, dude.
3. Iguion
I wouldn’t want to fight against even a normal komodo dragon. Let’s not get started with these guys, who are basically huge komodo dragon CENTAURS. They can run faster than jaguars and climb up walls! They can jump HUNDREDS of feet into the air! No thanks! Avoid at all costs!
2. Adel
Adel is so powerful that Laguna and co. had to imprison her in space to defeat her, and even then, her psychic powers were so strong that she passively shut down all global communications for two decades. If she’s freed, god help you. Even if she doesn’t kill you, she could physically subsume you instead. Imagine the agony of being absorbed through her abs, Rinoa-style. If you’ve seen Adel, you are already dead.
1. Griever
In addition to being a colossal flying lion monster, Griever has been PULLED FROM YOUR THOUGHTS. He knows your weaknesses and your fears. He can pinpoint exactly how to destroy you, not just physically but emotionally. This is the worst-case scenario. You never, ever want to come across your own idea of power manifested against you, especially if it looks like this.